Earlier this week I discussed a basic rule in life: do the right thing. A handful of people responded that sometimes that isn’t good enough …. for others. They told me stories of when they followed a rule, acted in healthy ways, stood up for what was right, or showed genuine compassion for another and the reaction from a supervisor, teacher, coach, or pastor/youth pastor was anything but appreciative. The message communicated: Not good enough. Message delivered loud and clear. But I did what you wanted me to do!
For instance:
- A child gives his best effort at homework, but has two B’s on his 4th grade report card, so his dad points out the two B’s and there’s more work to do to be better. The other six A’s on the report card go unmentioned and the child learns that only perfection is what matters – and silently questions whether “dad” would even be pleased with eight A’s (“There’s another semester ahead” or “Wait until middle school. It’s harder there”).
- A teen in a youth ministry group puts “family first,” a biblical value taught in churches and youth ministries. But when a family commitment interferes with a youth ministry event, the youth pastor’s nonverbal disappointment is evident. You’re not showing a high level of commitment. The youth is left wondering which is more important and learns about a performance-oriented “gospel” that can sneak into many of our ministry programs.
- A high school basketball player gets hurt and misses a practice to be at the trainer, a requirement of the school and coach. Yet the coach is mad that the player misses practice, benches him for the next game, and the player wonders what’s the right thing to do.
- A worker notices a discrepancy on a ledger sheet, an error that would cause a bit of an uproar at the annual audit. So, she raises the issue with her supervisor as she has been instructed to do by him. The supervisor becomes angry and says, “You’ve just created a lot of work for me and this department” and begins a week-long effort to make life-at-work miserable for the worker.
I am sure you have your own story that you could add. If you can’t think of one, was there a person in your growing-up days who you could never please? Remember those feelings? If we could never please one of our parents, the memories are more intense. I often meet students at the college who are still working to “please dad” through some act of achievement. And it has tragic consequences.
But, what about us? The people we lead may retain a high level of frustration with us if we seem to never appreciate a “best effort.” We can readily (and inadvertently) communicate that we’re never satisfied with what people do and never even know it. We may tell others that their best effort is not good enough. There’s always more that they can do. It’s easier to do this than you think. I’ve seen it in my own life:
- We rarely complement others. If we do, it’s a handful of “favorites” and we haven’t learned to be generous widely. I’ve had to learn how to communicate appreciation toward others and not assume they know how much I think of them.
- We transfer our own push for achievement to others. If I’m driving to get this and that accomplished, then you must too. I’ve seen this with my own kids at home and I’ve had to allow others to lean into life differently than the “type A” that I can be at tiomes.
- We avoid those we’ve judged to not be measuring up and give time to those who do. This nonverbal message is LOUD. I wish I could redo much of my ministry. I never had a clue that I was doing this and I’m sure that most of us don’t. I’m working to avoid this as a professor.
- We focus on ourselves, our work, our program, and when others enter that sphere it’s not about them and their lives, dreams or desires. We subconsciously focus on our own potential accomplishments or reputation. I still see this when I talk with students here – I think about their future rather than their present, ignoring (or downplaying) their current struggles.
I think for us men, this is a problem we need to unpack a bit, but we can’t do it alone. The people around us have to walk us through this. Ouch. But, hey, this isn’t that difficult. Really. Locate a handful of people you lead or work with and ask them if you ever communicate that you’re not ever happy with other people’s work. It won’t be as painful as going to the dentist. Really.
I think there are people around us who look to us and want to know: What must I do for you to accept and appreciate me?
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